i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
