There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
