I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
