it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
