you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
