I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
