Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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