Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
