you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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