Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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