I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
