just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
