I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
