WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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