Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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