So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
