I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
