I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
