So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
