my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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