gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
