We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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