A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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