Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
