My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
