well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
