My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
