So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
