____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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