I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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