i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
