so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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