Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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