Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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