Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
