So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
