why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
