Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My breasts were aching with rage.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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