I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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