When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
