The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
