At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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