I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
