I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
