Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
