I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
