Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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