Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
