I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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