Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
